Today, like most days, I summoned the will power to drag myself to the gym. Now, I believe I should be skinny and fit without putting forth any effort. My body’s failure to live up to these expectations means that I must deal with my seemingly backwards metabolism by “working hard” and “pumping iron” at the gym so that I do not turn into a sumo wrestler. While I find my metabolic inadequacies disturbing enough, I am even more perturbed by the fact that when I do decide to go to the gym I am confronted with overwhelmingly offensive gym attire.
First, of course, we have the sweat pants man. This man wears the same pair of gray sweat pants every single day and for the sweat pants I do not judge him. Instead I direct my anger toward the large sweat rings in his lower back, arm pits and behind his knees. If you are that hot then you should not be wearing sweating pants. You are disgusting and smelly and if I had young children I would keep them at least 50 feet away from you.
Secondly, to the man in the khaki cargo shorts, Timberland work boots and filthy white cut-off T-shirt. We get it you have a job outside, possibly a construction worker, and I applaud all that you do but you must learn to separate work attire from gym attire. I mean, I am currently unemployed but you don’t see me strolling into the gym with the polka dot pajama pants I’ve been watching re-runs of NCIS in all day, do you? Furthermore, all you need when you go to the gym is an iPod; I don’t think that requires all the pocket space that comes with a pair of cargo shorts. Also, get a shirt with some sleeves. I know they didn’t just mysteriously fall off so lay off the scissors. Finally, Timberlands? Really? You aren’t in Eminem and you aren’t in “Eight Mile”. You don’t see Lance Armstrong wearing Timberlands do you? That’s right, because they he knows only an idiot would wear them while exercising.
To the woman who wearing half of an outfit: Your shorts may as well be underwear and ugly ones at that. We get it, you are skinnier and more fit than the rest of us but please stop making me feel bad about myself for having a life and drinking alcohol.
The large woman in the spandex suit. Now, I am no fashion expert but if there is one cardinal rule in the world of fashion it is that spandex looks good on no one, plain and simple. An addendum to this rule is that all colorful, tye-dye spandex is sinful and should be burned so that they can feel the same pain my eyes feel when I look at them.
Now, I know this may seem harsh but in reality it’s the nicest thing that can be done. Being honest to these offenders about their gym fashion faux-pauxs will help them in the future. It will also help me not want to poke my eyeballs out while I am on the elliptical.
The moral of the story: next time you think about going to the gym in Timberlands, sweat pants or half a pair of shorts find a good friend who will have the backbone to tell you not to wear that, ever.