First of all, I’d like to apologize for the recent life-sucking posts. Who am I apologizing to? The six people who mistakenly stumbled upon my blog? Anyway, I blatantly ignored the “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all” words of wisdom and became wrapped up in the horrendously misleading idea that to be creative one has loosely express their emotions. So, pretend like that poem you read never made you want to jump in front of a runaway Ford Expedition. I’m here to help us both find a safe cross walk to the other side.
Today, I’d like to discuss to “the holidays”.
This probably isn’t very original but neither are the holidays so shut the hell up. My main problem with Christmas and the holiday season in general is that people are psychotic. One second they are blubbering balls of holiday cheer and the next they are fire-breathing reincarnations of the devil. The culmination of similar experiences have become the inspiration behind this lengthy, painful post.
A couple of weekends ago I was on my way to Marshall’s, giddy with high hopes of finding shoes that were moderately priced but more importantly, large enough to account for the shocking size of my feet. This Marshall’s happened to sit in one of the many shopping centers of my stereotypically suburban hometown of Ellicott City, MD. By its very nature this shopping center was suspiciously designed with only one usable entrance that doubles as the only usable exit. During the holiday season this creates the perfect traffic hell for angry, high-strung shoppers.
As I was desperately trying to get to Marshall’s before another woman with unfortunate sized feet and/or Sasquatch snagged the last pair of size elevens a steady stream of people walking out of the adjacent Sam’s Club stopped my progress. These bozos, pushing multiple carts overflowing with six months worth of toilet paper, Cheeze-Its and gum, crossed the street obliviously. They were all playing their own game of Frogger, however, their stupid grins and slow feet told me that they didn’t care if they lost. All of the cars on the other side of the idiots were free to make right-hand turns without the threat of being stopped so, naturally, as the parade passed I felt I had earned the right to zoom ahead to my shoe mecca. However, there was a lovely lady in a Lexus SUV who had other plans for me. She decided that as soon as I was four feet from her car that she would passive aggressively inch forward just to the point where neither of us could move ahead without causing an accident. At this point, I was more than livid and since I was driving an obviously more aggressive car (red Ford F-150 with an extended cab – classy, I know) I took the initiative by revving that V8 engine forward. However, Mrs. Passive Aggressive had other plans. Not only did she continue to pull out in front of me but she did it at a deliberately painstaking speed. I’m assuming she did this so she could make sure I saw her wave her wrinkly finger wave back and forth while she mouthed, “It’s MY turn” to me. Seriously? So do you know what I did? I took both of my humongous middle fingers from the wheel and slapped them against the windshield and I mouthed, “FUCK YOU.”
In retrospect, I can’t believe that I did that and I can’t believe my gut reaction to being wronged in a shopping center parking lot was to flip the bird. I mean, I was in my car alone so I had no one to impress. Plus, I am sure that if I was somewhere else I would have gotten shot or beaten to death with a baseball bat but, all of this aside, I have to say the risk was worth it. After I did that the lady looked hurt and embarrassed and it made me realize that people these days are all talk. Everyone feels safe behind the mask of their car, computer or cell phone. With these, people feel comfortable acting like assholes. Then, once someone challenges them then all bets are off and things get awkward. That’s why I think that this year everyone should get off of their high horses and fucking be nice for the 12 damn days of Christmas. This means don’t body check strangers in Target, don’t look down on the people shopping at Wal-Mart and don’t be a fucking asshole in the parking lot. Maybe then we could all have a Merry flippin’ Christmas.