Monthly Archives: March 2011

Shut the…front door.

As a grad student at SCAD I spend about 90 percent of my time plopped in front of a computer mindlessly shoving Starbursts and Coca-Cola into my mouth while I diddle around in Illustrator and Photoshop. I could do this in the comfort my home but instead I venture to the school buildings so that I can violate the lab’s food and drink policy. I love using the fancy new computers that all $50,000 of my tuition paid for, but I hate (and I mean really, really hate) the groups of imbeciles who turn the computer lab into their own private living room. These idiots come in, sit down and then just loudly blab without any consideration for their hardworking (read: Facebook stalking) peers.

Do they know that no one cares about how you got drunk on Saturday and made out with a street lamp? Have they considered that no one wants to hear their side of the phone conversation with their mom about what they ate for breakfast that morning?

I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that if they are playing YouTube videos of cats tap dancing and FaceTiming with their boyfriends then they probably wouldn’t know the room was on fire unless it disrupted their internet connection.

Usually, I just glare at them, then up at the wall. At that point, I use my best Mike Posner creepy whisper voice and tell them to, “Shut up.” To avoid suspicion I shrink down into my computer chair, pop my headphones in and feign hard work.

For some reason this method of attack isn’t working. I have no idea why not.

The next step in operation “Shut The Front Door” will be to send them anonymous e-greetings starring the aforementioned tap dancing cat that will encourage them to shut their big, ugly mouths.  I’ll keep you updated on the effectiveness of my plan B barring I don’t get arrested for some sort of cat e-stalking.

The moral of the story: unless you want to receive an angry anonymous e-mail or you want to keep hearing muffled cries from a creepy girl in the corner then please, please, do us all a favor and shut your front door.

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