Tag Archives: Independence Day

This Fourth of July I Am Thankful For…

Happy Fourth of July, all six people who read this! Before I show America my appreciation via PBR and hamburgers, I’d like to list off Independence Day delights I am thankful for:

1. Imperfectly sculpted mullets and fat arms stamped with eagle tattoos (real ones only). The Fourth of July proudly and successfully brings all mullett-wearing, far arm-bearing Americans together in one small and inevitably foul smelling location. Thankfully, this makes people watching and judging shamelessly convenient. I should note that I’m also thankful for eagle shirts, they are like cotton warning signs.

2. Amateur fireworks. It’s a disturbing sight when an imbecile attempts to insert himself into the center of Fourth of July attention by putting on his own backyard fireworks show. More often than not these folks tend to underestimate the unpredictable nature of the fireworks they secured from an obscure firework warehouse on the side of the interstate. I am thankful that one of these idiots has yet to blow off my head with an explosive device. I am unthankful that no one has tried to piggyback something like a hot dog to a firework, just to see what will happen. I feel like that would be fun. Hot dogs make everything more fun.

3. PBR. It’s red, white and blue and I’m thankful that it costs less than a sandwich.

4. Coleslaw. It’s not even American but the Fourth of July is the perfect opportunity to cover an assortment of meats with loads of coleslaw.

5. Bruce Springsteen and Tom Petty on the radio all day long. I don’t care what anyone says, a Fourth of July celebration is not complete without The Boss and some collective “Free Falling” renditions.

On that note, I’m going to go shove my face with coleslaw and beer. I’ll surely be updating this post when I inevitably come across some other Independence Day wonders at the fireworks tonight on River Street.

*UPDATE: I did not come across more things I was thankful for yesterday. Probably because I missed the fireworks and I realized people watching isn’t nearly as enjoyable in the dark without night vision goggles, which I don’t have. I’ll put it on the Christmas list.

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